In recent years awareness of mental health issues has become much better in addition to be more widely accepted as something that is as prevalent as physical health. Throughout most of my adult life I have been one of many that have suffered from depression as well as other issues. I’m going to use this time to tell parts of my story and I do realise that this is very different from my usual posts and carries little interest to a lot of people. Writing this has also been something I’ve deliberated over for a long time but thought it could put into perspective how the output from Impropaganda sometimes goes from prolific to non-existent. Parts of this feature will also in around in time which may sometimes not make a great deal of sense so thank you for your patience.
It’s difficult to pinpoint an exact time por moment in my life when I started to feel as though something wasn’t quite right and really a lot of it stems from being incredibly socially awkward. Along with this a have always felt a huge shyness which I have masked in several different ways and having spoken to other people I finally realise how many people suffer from similar things. Some people who know me may find that a surprise but to fight that feeling in social situations I have more often than not used alcohol and recreational drugs as a crutch to step over these hurdles.
Abusing my body for so many years took its toll and over the past couple of years I suffered some pretty serious physical health issues. These conditions led me to feeling the worse I’ve ever felt mentally and subsequently led to an attempt on my own life in December 2017, which pretty much thanks to a good friend was unsuccessful. Suicide is without doubt the biggest killer of young people and all I can say if anyone reading this feels that low please get in contact with me, like I’ve said I understand talking is not easy so we could sit in a room in silence because speaking from experience even that helps.
In relation to writing blog posts sometimes I just haven’t felt up to publishing anything there has also been times when I’ve put a piece together only having deleted the whole thing at the last moment. suffering from a massive lack of self-confidence at times I have more unpublished articles than ones I have put out there and this is something that I am trying to work on because despite the way it sounds this blog is one thing that does make me happy. Hopefully this will give some understanding to my lack of response to emails and submissions at times and all I can do is apologise for material I haven’t featured that I really ought to have.
Until recent times I have also found it incredibly difficult to speak to anyone about any of these things and looked at it being somewhat pointless, however having sought professional help I couldn’t recommend gong to see someone. I would also say that there are a number of different methods of receiving treatment as I for one am not someone who is great with the spoken word and can far more easily eliquate my thoughts and feelings onto paper. The most helpful method of treatment for me has been where I exchange emails with a therapist then meeting monthly to discuss the previous correspondence, a form of counselling I never knew existed until it was suggested to me. So if traditional methods of treatment don’t suit you please don’t despair and there is help out there and so many people that want to help you, it really is just a case of sometimes letting someone in.
I have always had the support of family and friends and knowing these people are there is most certainly a source of great comfort. My immediate family in particular have been extremely patient over the years when I have not always been the easiest person to live or communicate with. I also have a great bunch of friends who I can’t thank enough especially one of my old house mates in particular who long after we lived together I was going through an especially shit time and that person opened their door to me despite some of my behaviour being questionable to say the least.
Social media is also a powerful tool and I realise that it has drawbacks it has definitely helped raise awareness of mental health issues as well as giving some people a platform to speak about their own mental health. I have a friend that openly talks about their battles with mental health especially whilst studying a law degree and I have to say I found this an inspiration to seek help for my won issues. Through social media this person and myself also discovered that we share many of the same interests and personality traits which has seen us go from being people to kind of know each other to now being good friends, which again emphasises how the internet is not all bad.
After everything else is said and done this is a music blog so it would be very remiss of me to not speak about the subject at some point. I absolutely love listening music, especially hearing new acts from the independent scene, however when I’m feeling at my lowest I just don’t want to hear any sort of music which I can now see adds to my ill feeling. What I know now though is that I have to listen to some form of music every day and it doesn’t necessarily have to be relative to Impropaganda just something that makes me feel more at ease, sometimes for purely selfish reasons but something I have learnt that we need to take a brief amount of time for ourselves each day.
I realise this post has rambled at times and I really do thank anyone that has managed to get to the end of it, also if anyone has any questions they would like to ask please feel free or if you want me to expand on any of the things I’ve touched on I’ll try where I can. I’m going to leave some contact details of some charities as well as my email so anyone please do not hesitate to contact any of these people if you feel you have or if you are concerned about anyone you know.
Mind Infoline: 0300 123 3393
Text line: 86463
Samaritans: 116 123
My email: firstname.lastname@example.org